Year of the Monsoon Read online

Leisa couldn’t meet her aunt’s eye. “I’ve messed things up so badly,” she said again, turning back to the window. “How do I fix that? How do we go back to the way we were before?”

  “Life is never the same after monsoon,” the old Indonesian woman would have told her. “All the things you know, wiped away like they were never there. You start over, build new. Try to make stronger than before so next monsoon cannot wash it away.”

  The day Nan was discharged, Maddie and Lyn picked her up from the hospital and took her to the Gallaghers’ house. Leisa heard them come in and rushed to the foyer to throw her arms around Nan. Almost immediately she let go.

  “Did I hurt you?” she asked anxiously.

  “No,” Nan smiled. “That’s the best medicine I’ve had. Well, almost the best,” she added, stepping aside.

  There, standing between Lyn and Maddie, was Mariela. Mutely, Leisa knelt down and hugged her.

  “Mariela has been very worried about both of you and insisted on seeing for herself that you’re all right,” Maddie said.

  Leisa pulled back so she could look at Mariela. “We’re fine,” said with a questioning glance at Nan who nodded her agreement. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay,” Mariela shrugged.

  “When you and Nan feel up to it,” said Maddie, “we thought it might be nice if all of us took a trip to the zoo since the last one didn’t go as planned.”

  “That sounds like fun,” Nan said to Leisa’s astonishment.

  “If you expect to eat tonight, I need help in the kitchen,” Jo Ann announced. “Except for you,” she said sternly to Nan. “You sit and rest.”

  “I’ve done nothing but rest,” Nan complained.

  “All right,” Jo conceded. “I do have a job for you.”

  A few minutes later, Jo Ann had Nan and Mariela seated at the dining room table with a bowl of icing for the chocolate cake while everyone else helped Jo in the kitchen. Leisa stood at the island where she could watch them as she made a salad.

  “I’ve had some bad dreams about what happened,” Nan said as she spread a big gob of icing.

  “You have?” Mariela looked at her with wide eyes as she knelt on her chair to reach the cake.

  “Mmm hmm, and then I can’t go back to sleep.”

  Several seconds passed as they both concentrated on the cake. “Me, too,” Mariela admitted finally.

  Nan scraped some more icing out of the bowl. “Have you said anything to Miss Maddie or anyone else?” she asked.

  Mariela shook her head.

  “It’s normal to be scared after what we went through,” said Nan.

  “It is?” Mariela asked doubtfully. “I bet Miss Leisa isn’t scared.”

  “I’ll bet she is,” Nan whispered loudly enough for Leisa to hear.

  “Are you?” Mariela asked, looking over at Leisa with her spatula suspended in mid-air.

  Leisa nodded. “I have bad dreams, too. But when I wake up, I remember that he’s in jail and the people I love are safe.”

  Mariela resumed icing the cake, frowning and biting her lower lip. “What people?” she asked after a while.

  “What do you mean?” Leisa asked as she sliced cucumbers.

  “You said, ‘the people I love’,” said Mariela very softly.

  Leisa and Nan’s eyes locked. Leisa put her knife down and came to the table. Kneeling between Nan and Mariela, she put an arm around each of them. “You and Maddie and Nan, of course. I love you all,” she said.

  “I love you, too,” Mariela said happily, wrapping her arms around Leisa’s neck.

  Trying not to laugh, Nan gently pried the icing-covered spatula from Leisa’s hair just before Mariela turned around and hugged her as well.

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake,” Jo Ann burst out from the kitchen where she, Lyn and Maddie were all drying their eyes. “We’re never going to eat if you keep this up.”

  Chapter 22

  “OH, MY GOSH, IT feels so good to be back in our own home,” Nan sighed contentedly as she eased herself down on their bed.

  Leisa had gone back to work over the past week, but Nan was still very easily tired and had not yet resumed scheduling clients. “I think I’m going to refer a lot of these people on to other therapists,” she’d said, looking over her client list. “I’m going to lighten my load.”

  “I think that is an excellent idea,” Maddie said when she heard.

  “I know,” Leisa agreed now, stretching out beside her. “Jo Ann and Bruce were wonderful, but I am so glad to be home.” She rolled over and nestled her head on Nan’s shoulder. “I’ve been thinking… it’s time to sell Mom’s house.”

  “Really?” Nan rested her cheek against Leisa’s head. “Are you sure you’re ready to do that?”

  Leisa was quiet for a moment. “It feels like the right thing to do.”

  “You know I’ll help any way I can,” Nan said.

  Leisa gave her a gentle squeeze. “Thanks, but you’re going to be exhausted going back to work. I’ll ask Jo to help me get things packed up and I’ll contact a real estate agent.”

  They lay there silently for several minutes, before Leisa propped up on her elbow, looking down at Nan. “There’s something else I have to do,” she said seriously. “But I want to make sure you’re okay with it.”

  “What is it?”

  Leisa took a deep breath before responding. “I need to see Sarah again. I need to tell her I don’t want to have anything more to do with her. If I just leave it the way it is now, if I never go back there –”

  “I understand,” Nan said. “And I think you’re right. This will continue to hang over you, over us, if you don’t get some resolution.”

  Leisa flopped back to the mattress in relief. “Thank you for understanding. I don’t think I can do it this week. I’m so far behind at work, but I’ll get over there soon.” She glanced over at Nan. “How about something to eat? Jo sent us home with enough food to get us through next winter.”

  Leisa worked feverishly for the next few days, trying to get current on her case files, making and returning telephone calls and e-mails. Her work was inconveniently interrupted by her mind’s frequent wanderings to her hypothetical conversation with Sarah. This was not something she was looking forward to, but she’d known ever since she ran away to Ithaca that this was inevitable.

  On Thursday, she felt like she could finally breathe at work, and called Nan at lunchtime. “I’m going to go by the gym after work today,” she said.

  “All right. I’ll see you when you get home,” Nan replied.

  Leisa felt a little foolish as she blurted, “I love you,” before Nan could hang up.

  She thought she could hear Nan smile. “I know.”

  She couldn’t remember what kind of car Sarah drove, but she scanned the cars in the gym parking lot anyway. Realizing Sarah might be with a client and she would have to wait to talk to her, Leisa entered the gym. She’d thought about bringing clothes and actually working out, but “No,” she’d said to herself. “It puts you too much in Sarah’s realm and you need to be in control for a change.” Sarah was with a client in the free weight area; Leisa saw her reflected in one of the mirrors. She took a seat in the lobby, waiting and trying not to fidget. When the client’s session was over, Sarah came to the staff desk and smiled when she saw Leisa.

  “Hi,” she said, coming over to Leisa and sitting beside her, a little too closely. “Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since…” She let her voice trail off suggestively, eyebrows raised a little.

  In an instant, all of Leisa’s nervousness disappeared. “I’ve been out of town, but I realized it probably looks like I’ve been avoiding you and I wanted to clear that up.”

  Sarah’s expression shifted as she picked up on the cool tone of Leisa’s voice. She looked around quickly, checking to see who might be within hearing distance. “Why don’t we go –”

  “No,” Leisa cut her off, not bothering to lower her voice. “I don’t need to go anywhere
with you. I just want to tell you very clearly, so that there is no misunderstanding, that I don’t want to be touched by you, or kissed by you, or fucked by you ever again.” She stood. “I’m not changing gyms, and when I come in here, I expect you to behave appropriately, staff to client.”

  She almost whooped out loud as she walked to her car. It was so liberating to feel for the first time since she’d met her that she wasn’t under Sarah’s control. “Fifteen years it’s taken you, but you finally did it,” she crowed as she started her engine.

  She was still feeling jubilant as she pulled up in front of the house, noting a strange car parked in front of Nan’s on the curb. Nan met her in the foyer as she entered.

  “Hi,” she said nervously before Leisa could say anything. “We have a surprise visitor.”

  Puzzled, Leisa looked past her as a tall, thin figure entered the foyer. It took her a few seconds to recognize Todd. “Oh, my.”

  Todd, it turned out, had arrived without warning mid-afternoon. “We’ve almost got dinner ready,” Nan said, leading Leisa into the kitchen with a warning look that Leisa understood to mean, “Don’t ask questions, I’ll explain later.”

  Leisa poured drinks for everyone while Todd finished setting the table and Nan got the hamburgers off the grill. When they were all seated at the table, Leisa said, “Todd, you look good, much better than the last time we saw you.”

  “Yeah,” he responded with a half-smile. “Another miracle.”

  “So this has happened before?” Nan asked. “You’ve responded to treatment?”

  Todd nodded morosely. “For a few months, maybe a year, then it always comes back, worse than before.”

  Leisa watched him and couldn’t help feeling sorry for him, his still-bald head making his eyes seem very large. “Do your parents –” She stopped abruptly, remembering she wasn’t supposed to ask questions.

  “He’s going to call them after dinner,” Nan said pointedly.

  Todd grinned sheepishly. “I know I shouldn’t have left like that…”

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” Nan agreed. “They must be worried sick. But we will talk about that later.”

  Todd ate ravenously, downing three hamburgers, a large helping of green beans and a whole bag of potato chips. Apparently his appetite was coming back faster than his hair. He talked about his drive up north – he’d left Savannah yesterday afternoon and driven through the night. “It was so cool,” he said, his eyes bright. “Just me and some loud music and the windows down. I’ve never been anywhere by myself.”

  When he was done eating, Nan asked him to go call his parents while she and Leisa cleaned the kitchen. “And be sure to tell them this was not my idea,” Nan called after him, “or they’ll think I’m trying to steal you back.” He grinned again as he disappeared into the living room.

  “Did you have any idea?” Leisa whispered.

  “None,” Nan whispered back. “He called me when he got to D.C.”

  “What’s going on?”

  Nan shook her head. “I have a guess, but he hasn’t said yet.” She turned at the sound of Todd entering the kitchen.

  “It’s my mom,” he said, holding out the phone. “Would you talk to her?”

  Leisa saw Nan’s jaw clench, but she took the phone. “Hello, Mrs. Taylor… No, I didn’t know anything about this,” she said with a stern glance at Todd who refused to look abashed. “Please… look, he’s here and safe now. Let him rest tonight and he’ll call you again tomorrow… all right… good-bye.”

  “And now,” she said as she handed Todd’s cell phone back to him, “we are going to talk.”

  “Could I have a beer?” Todd asked hopefully.

  “Absolutely not!”

  Leisa choked back a laugh as Nan pointed to the refrigerator and said, “You can have another Coke.”

  “I’ll go upstairs –” Leisa started.

  “No!” blurted out Nan and Todd simultaneously.

  “Okay…” Leisa said, realizing she was going to be some kind of referee. “Let’s go to the living room.”

  Todd’s long, skinny legs folded almost double as he sat on the couch.

  “Now,” began Nan. “What happened?”

  Todd’s expression became serious for the first time. “It’s more like, ‘what didn’t happen’,” he said. “What never happens.” He played with the tab on his soda can. “My parents… especially my dad, they just won’t talk about it.”

  “About your leukemia?” Nan prodded gently.

  Todd nodded. “He pretends like I have something I could get better from if I just tried harder,” he said in frustration. “Every time it goes into remission, he talks like it’s gone and life is normal and now I can go out for football.” Todd’s jaw worked back and forth a few times before he added quietly, “Sometimes I just wish it was over.”

  “That part must be really hard, the ups and downs of getting better only to get sick again,” Nan said.

  Todd nodded again, keeping his eyes focused on his soda can. “The first few times, you believe them; you believe you can get better, but…” He swallowed hard. “Not any more. It’s just a waiting game.”

  They all sat in silence for a long moment before Leisa tentatively said, “You know, I can kind of understand where your dad is coming from, though. If you were… if you were our son, I wouldn’t be able to stand the thought of letting you go, and talking like it’s not going to happen would push it back, make it not so real.”

  Todd glanced at her and shrugged his understanding of what she’d said. “Maybe. I never thought of it like that.”

  “But it also means you haven’t had anyone you could talk to about what it’s like to face death,” Nan said, as Leisa winced a little at her direct approach to such a horrible topic, but Todd’s expression brightened.

  “Yes!” he said with the relief of one who has been released from an evil spell compelling him to be silent. He leaned forward, bony elbows resting on bonier knees, and began talking. It seemed a dam had been broken as he began talking, finally able to express all the things he hadn’t been able to talk about to anyone else. He wasn’t emotional or morbid, but facing the possibility, the probability, of death had been his reality for nearly half of his life.

  Nan and Leisa listened attentively. Nan asked questions every now and then, but mostly she listened.

  “There have been times,” Todd was saying, “usually at night, when I’m laying there, and…” He stopped, clearly embarrassed.

  “Go on,” Leisa said softly.

  “It’s like, I can feel someone there in the room with me,” he said as if he was afraid they would think he was crazy. “Like that movie.”

  “City of Angels,” said Nan.

  “Yes!” His eyes lit up. “Like one of them is there, and if I was ready, I could just go and they’d take me… wherever.” His face burned a deep crimson. “You probably think I’m nuts,” he said with a half-laugh.

  “I don’t think that’s crazy at all,” Nan said. Leisa shook her head in agreement.

  “Really?” Todd asked, looking at them for any sign that they were laughing at him.

  “Not at all,” said Nan. “I absolutely believe we go on from here, that the people who loved us will be waiting for us.”

  “But you haven’t been ready to let go yet,” Leisa observed.

  Todd shrugged a little.

  “So maybe you still have things you’re supposed to do here,” she suggested. “Maybe your job here isn’t done.”

  Daniel pushed himself up from his chair, grimacing in pain and grabbing for his walker. Leisa rushed over to him. “Dad,” she said, wrapping an arm around him, “what do you need? Let me get it for you.” She could feel all of his ribs. He was down to about a hundred twenty pounds after several months of chemo and radiation. Despite the treatments, his prostate cancer had metastasized to his spine and pelvis, becoming much more painful.

  “I’m fine, little girl,” he said. “Got to keep moving. Where’s y
our mother?”

  “I think she’s at the computer,” Leisa said.

  Daniel’s expression darkened. “Come with me,” he said, leading the way slowly up the stairs to the office where Rose was searching the Internet.

  “Hi, honey,” she said, glancing up.

  “Rose –”

  “I’ve been finding all kinds of information…”

  “Rose –”

  “…on holistic treatments and other types of chemo we can ask about…”

  “Rose!” Daniel said more forcefully.

  Rose froze at the computer. Behind her, Daniel shuffled to a chair and lowered himself to it. Leisa knelt beside him, holding his hand, her heart pounding.

  “Rose,” he said again, more gently this time. “We have to talk.”

  She sat stiffly and silently, staring at the computer monitor.

  “I can’t,” Daniel said simply. “I can’t go through any more. It’s time.”

  Leisa closed her eyes as tears sprang to them. She hadn’t wanted to cry in front of her father, but she couldn’t help it.

  Over at the computer, Rose’s shoulders shook as she cried silently.

  “I want to enjoy the days I have left with my girls,” Daniel said affectionately.

  As far as Leisa knew, her mother did all her crying that afternoon. She was sure she must have cried more, but Leisa never saw it. They called hospice when Daniel couldn’t easily get out of bed anymore, and within three weeks of that conversation, he was gone. He died peacefully, at home, with his family around him. “Don’t be afraid,” he said to Leisa the day before he died. “It’s not hard if you’re ready.”

  “You’re still here for some reason, Todd,” Leisa said, though talking was hard as she remembered that afternoon with her parents. “As much as you trust that there’s someone waiting for you when it’s time, you need to trust that they haven’t taken you because there’s something you haven’t completed yet.”

  Todd’s father wanted to fly up to Baltimore immediately on Friday to drive back to Georgia with him. Nan convinced him to give Todd a couple of days. “He’s dealing with a lot, and it would probably do him some good to have some time away from… from doctors and hospitals,” she quickly amended. “You can call anytime you want, and I promise we’ll call you if he gets sick.”